Day 3

 On Ash Wednesday there was a short evening service at our church.  I went.  I wasnt in the best of moods and I sat there wondering what it was all about.  The songs we sang, the liturgy and the prayers.  Then the rather odd ( to my thinking) being marked with a cross on the forehead with ashes.  Communion and then singing and home again.   I spent most of the time wondering if this is what God was wanting or requiring of us.   And the rest feeling guilty for even thinking these things.

I find myself in this headspace more and more these days.  Gone is the unquestioning, faithfully following, endlessly saying yes, ways of my youth.  For decades I have been to church, tried to be helpful, listened to the voice of the Holy Spirit as much as Ive been able to, served, participated...... and I think right now Im just a bit weary of it all.   And sometimes I wonder if God is a bit weary of it all too. 😊

Dont get me wrong. I love church and I think its vital.  Im just less sure now that the way I do it is the right way.  Im less convinced of the things I used to be certain of.   Not the faith stuff. Im more sure of that now than I ever have been.  But all the trappings of the faith stuff.   Im guessing you know what I mean.

Its funny, because one of the things that has caused me to question alot of things I'd have previously considered non-negotiable is my boys.  More precisely the churches they are now attending.  Sam and Ben are both Presbyterians. Pretty traditional.  Massively focused on preaching and teaching.  Fairly dismissive of the Holy Spirit. Anti women preaching.  About as far away from the type of church Ive espoused all my life as its possible to be   This makes for some interesting conversations round the dinner table.  But our disagreements about various points of theology have actually been really good for me.  I realise that after 40 years of being a Christian I've become programmed into thinking a certain way.   I can argue my case well. But so can my boys.  They know their scriptures really well - and I find myself wondering if what I have always believed is actually right.   Mostly I still think it is - but theres the danger.  We all get entrenched over time in our own blinkered views.  And as we get older we are less and less likely to come across people who are going to radically disagree with us.  This is dangerous.  Im glad my kids are challenging my Biblical worldview and its certainly made me brush up on my theology.    But in so doing I've been chucking out a few principles Ive always held dear. Its unsettling. I dont like feeling unsettled.

So on Ash Wednesday I didnt go up to get the ashes daubed on me.  And I didnt take communion either. Because I didnt want to.  I didnt see the point of the ashes - the symbolism didnt mean anything to me and I found myself wondering where this tradition had started and why.  I wasnt in the right frame of mind to take communion.  If Id taken it I would have merely been going through the motions and paying no heed whatsoever to the suffering and death of Jesus . So I stayed in my seat and didnt give a second thought to what anyone else might have thought about that.  Im getting to be quite a rebel in my old age 😉

So my question for you all today is this.     Is it a good thing to feel unsatisfied with the status quo, to question everything and to re-prioritise?  Or is it the start of a slippery slope towards disengagement, disillusionment and doooooooooom?